Blank Page
by alwaysthehours
Summary: AH. When she was sixteen, she fell in love with the wrong guy. And thus began her journey of self-discovery through the blank pages of her diary. E/B
1. September 14th

**A/N: Yep, this is new. And yes, it will change soon. As you can see, these diary entries are from 2007, so there will be much more to this story than just the ramblings of a sixteen year old.  
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**Lots of hearts to Lisa, Jenn and Alexia, who found the time and beta'd this thing. **

**September 14th, 2007**

Dear Diary,

I find this extremely stupid. Keeping a diary and writing in it is not something I would do with my free time, but since Gossip Girl and One Tree Hill have been on a break, I have to occupy myself with something. Yes, diary, you might be rolling your eyes at my poor choice of TV entertainment, but not everyone can watch House and understand everything he's saying. Not to mention his games with Cuddy are getting a little old. I mean, grow up, be a man.

Anyway, that was not only the reason why I decided to start this diary. To be honest, it was because of the strangest thing that happened today. Yes, it was the highlight of my week, month, year – hell, of my life.

_Edward Cullen_ finally noticed _me._

I'm all swoony and shit.

Now, you might be looking at me like I'm a psycho or something, but don't. You don't know the whole story. I've had a crush on him for a while now (I think I'm in love!), and he's the hottest, most gorgeous guy I have ever laid my eyes on.

The problem, you ask?

Taken.

He's taken by Rosalie Hale, queen of all bitches, daughter of Angelina Jolie and some other great-looking guy you can come up with. He should be in his mid forties, early fifties, though.

Anyway, this might be a cliché to you, right? Poor, innocent girl can't have the guy of her dreams and then he finally notices her and – PUFF! – he's hers.

Well, it's not a cliché.

First of all, I'm not innocent or anything close to that. While I might be sixteen years old, I'm pretty "informed" for a teenager, which means I do know where ALL the places are, what sex is, how to do it, who to do it with, and all that crap. I've already made out with a few guys, too, so that's a bonus. I just need to lose the big "V".

And I'm afraid that's never going to happen, because the guy of my dreams is taken. So, I'll have to settle for someone like Mike Newton, who is nice and all that, but a complete asshole.

But let's not get carried away here.

Another reason why this isn't a cliché is the fact that he notices me, all right, but he has no intention of ever getting to know me or even considering having anything with me.

Why?

He's my brother's best friend, which technically makes me his little sister. And I think, _Fuck that, friendships don't matter_, but that's not true. Their friendship matters and I've seen the way they connect with each other. I know, I made them sound gay, but they lean on each other whenever they can. And I wouldn't destroy that given the chance, would I?

Of course I would.

And if my brother wasn't happy with that, fuck him, too. I'm a big girl now, and he can't control me.

But is that the only problem, really? He's never going to leave Rosalie, no matter how much crap she puts on his shoulders, how whiny and spoiled she is, and how much she rejects him and chooses other people over him; he will ALWAYS be there.

Why?

Because he loves her. In an obsessed, she's-my-new-toy kind of way. And can I blame him? He's my new shiny toy, too, and I would do anything he would ever ask of me.

But let's not get depressed, here. It's not what this is about.

He noticed me.

He NOTICED me.

He FUCKING NOTICED me.

And that's a big deal. Even if it was because my hair was all over the place and I looked like I was stoned; it doesn't matter. He still _looked_ at me.

That's not something I'll forget so soon.

Charlie will be home in thirty minutes, so I'll have to find a place to hide you. I'll see you next Friday.

_**B.S.**_


	2. September 21st

**September 21st, 2007**

Dear Diary,

As promised, I came back to write some stuff in you, though I wasn't so sure if I would be able to do it by the time Wednesday came around.

Yes, this is the part where I explain what happened.

Edward and Rosalie broke up. As in, they're not dating anymore. As in… they ended their relationship.

Angela was the one who told me when we were having lunch. She turned to me and said, while grinning widely, "You'll never guess who broke up."

So I figured, "Lauren and Tyler? Yeah, I hear he's gay."

So Angela shook her head, smiling at my stupidity. "Edward and Rosalie," she affirmed, in a staged whisper.

And I was like… you're shitting me, right? Because there's no way they would break up.

But, apparently, they did break up.

Officially.

As in… they ended their relationship.

And I'm so fucking ecstatic it's not even funny. But does that mean that things are going to change? Of course not. I'm still a little girl to him, and, unfortunately (Angela disagrees with me, here) he will always see me as a little girl, his best friend's little sister.

But who am I kidding? I love that he talks about things with my brother. Things that Emmett reveals when he thinks I'm not listening. So I do like, in fact, that he's my brother's best friend.

But that was not the highlight of my week. He actually spoke to me on Monday, at 3:04 PM, and yes, I checked the time to make sure it was accurate. He actually talked to me, not stared, like he sometimes does, which makes it seem like he doesn't know what I am and he's trying to figure me out.

It wasn't anything sort of special – he just asked me if I had an extra pencil when we were in the hallway. I didn't have one at the time, and for that I berate myself. I always have too many pencils and pens in my backpack, so why didn't I have any to offer him? That way, he would have something of mine touching his hands, secretly seeing him every time he opened his backpack, hearing his conversations.

And his smile when he asked, "Bella, do you have an extra pencil?" was simply divine. How could I have forgotten how ridiculously beautiful his smile was? Maybe that's because I'm always looking at his eyes.

You guessed right, they're green. But not just common green. They're grayish green, just… beautiful.

And yes, I'm a swoony bitch.

But the best part was when I told him I didn't have one. He simply shrugged and said, "It's okay. Thanks, anyway," and smiled like he had just won a trophy.

But, again, I'm a swoony bitch and I have quite the imagination.

Let's not talk about Jacob, shall we?

Okay, now that I've written about him, I think you have the right to know _what _he was. He was one of my first crushes. The kind of guy you find "eh" at the beginning, but when you get to know him and he smiles at you one night when you are drunk, you think, _wait, there's something there. _

And there was, but only on my part. And I had been so caught up in my fantasy that I didn't realize it was all in my head. I was no different than Lauren or Angela. I was just no Leah.

But, of course, like the stubborn (replace this by any other repulsive trait you might find) creature I am, I continued _"loving"_ him; doing everything I could to keep his attention away from the I-am-aggressive-as-shit-and-I-don't-like-anyone attention freak he was dating. I mean, really?

And then, one day, I realized something. If he was with her, then he didn't love me at all. What the fuck was I doing?

So I stopped. Talking to him, looking at him… Everything.

But did that work?

No. Not until Edward Cullen, the guy from Chicago, arrived in town with his sister and parents.

At first, I was like "eh". Of course, I hadn't even seen _him_ before. Because when I did… the world stopped spinning. And no, I'm not going to say something funny and/or ironic to ruin that sentence. Because my world did stop spinning.

Geez, can you imagine if I'm dead and someone finds this and reads it? I will probably be embarrassed. Well, probably not, since I'll be dead.

But, trying to stay on topic… THEY BROKE UP.

So now I'll be able to look at him without being afraid of Rosalie finding out. I can now talk to him on a daily basis (if I have the guts to do it) and now I'll finally make him realize how happy he could be with me.

Yeah, right.

I'll just probably do my homework and pretend I'm not hurting inside one more time. Someday, I swear he'll notice me. And not just like a little sister, but a woman.

I swear.

_**B.S.**_

**Follow me on twitter: pineapplesrock1**_**  
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	3. September 28th

**Thank you, Lisa, for being so great and for fixing my mistakes.**

**September 29th, 2007**

Dear Diary,

Guess what? This week was a total fail.

And you know why?

I'll start with the things that suck the least.

I got an F on an English test. I mean… what the hell? How is that even possible? I live and breathe English. I'm not the fanciest writer in my class, but I am good. I'm always reading, writing in this thing, and speaking (correctly). And I do not do slang. No, my friend, I speak normal English. And I do not abbreviate too much in my texts, like Jess does.

Yeah, you guessed that right. She's dumb as a rock.

But that's not the point. In a year, when I hopefully will go to college, I will choose English because it's what I like the most. But with an F… I don't know. How can you be sure you're good at something when you have an F waiting for you just when you enter the classroom? I don't know, really.

The second less sucking thing that actually sucks more (I know, made no sense) is that Charlie is all secretive around me, and I'm getting tired of it. He never looks at me when he informs me he's going to Billie's, he never grumbles when the food is too salty and he never complains about my boots leaving a wet trail through the house. I mean, what the hell happened? I feel like I don't know him at all anymore.

But the thing that is bothering me the most is that Edward Cullen stopped noticing that I existed. That's right. The look he gave me the other day? Just a look, nothing else. He passed by me the whole week (more times than usual, actually) and zero, zip, nothing, nada.

Can I blame him? No, I can't. I'm no Rosalie Hale, so why would he look at me?

I'm losing faith, here. I'm sure Edward is just a phase – even though I never had one quite like this – and everything will pass in a few months naturally. But how can I be sure? Besides, I want him now. Everyone has their own one person now. Why can't I have mine, too? Why do I always have to be different from everyone else? And why can't that difference be something good and not something that separates me, which makes me stand out in horrible ways?

I know, I'm getting morose. But what can a girl do?

I'll have to prepare dinner so I can go see Emmett's football game. He begged me to go, which is kind of weird. Still, it's an excuse to see him, since he's never around anymore.

:_]]]_

**00:34 AM**

I went to the game. He was there with Tanya Denali. Fuck this, I'm done with him.

**_B.S._**

**Thank you for the reviews and the alerts. They are much appreciated :)**


	4. October 5th

**Lisa and Jenn are my lovely betas.**

**October 5****th, ****2007**

Dear Diary,

He's now hooking up with Tanya Denali. If it weren't for their not-so-sneaky glances at each other and the gropes, I would have known from Emmett, who keeps saying "good for him," all the fucking time.

And that's something right there.

Emmett telling Edward he should move on and forget Rosalie? He keeps talking about how perfect she is, how much she deserves the best. Besides, he's constantly telling Edward to get over her. I feel like I'm missing something here.

Either way, I'm done with Edward Cullen. I'm pretty sure it's not his fault I'm this disappointed though. I created this for myself. He would never look at me twice, would he? I'm the one imagining a fairytale, imagining that he could ever be with me. How can I be so ridiculous?

But, of course, this false sense of maturity is accompanied by an emptiness I didn't know it was possible to feel. And why am I feeling empty? We weren't together. I don't know him at all. So why the fuck do I feel like this? I keep telling myself it's temporary. Let's just hope it is.

There is good news, though. Alice Cullen is transferring from some school in Seattle to Forks High, according to Emmett, so I'm hoping we can be friends. I've talked to her a few times and I think she's really nice. Let's see how that goes.

Also, my mom is coming in a few weeks to visit us.

In our phone conversation with her, Emmett kept his mouth shut, agreeing with everything she said, but I know he was trying to hold back a few words. We are now trying to come up with a way to tell our dad the news. I have no idea how he'll react.

Apart from that, I'm glad she's coming. I haven't seen her in a while. And I miss Phil.

Now I'm heading to bed and maybe I'll even read a book. At least there I will find romance, whether it's in my dreams or in the worn pages of Pride and Prejudice.

_**B.S.**_

**Twitter: pineapplesrock1**

**Thank you for reading. **


	5. October 12th

**Thank you, Lisa and Jenn and all the readers.**

Dear Diary,

I've had the weirdest week of my life, and that's saying something since I still remember the time when my mother decided to visit us with her new boyfriend, Felix, some hairy dude she met in France. In that week, I found out that my mom must have a thing for gay guys, since he was completely, absolutely and utterly _gay._

How can you miss that? How is that even possible?

But, at first, I didn't notice either. He had so much hair… it was so distracting! The occasional chuckles from my father were the only thing that alerted me to the fact that something wasn't right with the guy. And my father – God knows he isn't that perceptive – found out in a two minute conversation with him.

When I had to tell my mother my suspicions – and that was the best part of the week, definitely – she feigned surprise, claiming she had no idea.

Yeah, right.

But this week was the weirdest of all weeks.

Even though I'm used to him staring at me, Edward started staring a lot more than usual. At first, it was unnerving and weird and I was so nervous, but then… I was just so excited. Everywhere I looked, there he was, watching me with a small smile on his lips, making my legs weak and the butterflies in my stomach grow bigger and bigger.

But when I actually tried to talk to him or even caught him doing it, he would run away or avoid eye contact. What's up with that? Should I understand this strange behavior?

But why should I bother, even if it's not a figment of my imagination? He's still clearly in love with Rosalie and having sex or whatever with Tanya.

On another note, Alice Cullen is a fireball. I've never had so much fun with someone. I swear, not even with my own mother. And more importantly, she _gets_ me, which isn't something I can say for Emmett or my father, the only people I socialized with before Alice came along.

Of course, Alice is more extravagant and outgoing than what I'm used to, though I don't mind. She's like fresh air in a warm desert, and I wasn't the only one who noticed it. By the end of the first day, everyone wanted to be with Alice, inviting her to their cliques and little groups. Alice kept declining politely, though, and in a few situations, she even rolled her eyes. Like when Lauren and Jess invited her to be a cheerleader. Does that even work that way?

And until here, you can say it was a good week, not strange at all. But then comes the part where I saw Emmett and Rosalie fighting with each other near the gym. At first, I worried that she was hurt or something like that, but when I saw she was crying and pointing her finger at Emmett's chest, I started getting more and more confused.

She seemed angry with him, which I think was kind of odd. I didn't even know they socialized, let alone talked to each other enough to have anything to fight over. When you're angry with someone, that usually means you trusted them to do the right thing and they didn't, so I had no idea that Emmett and Rosalie had that kind of relationship.

But the look on my brother's face? Priceless.

He looked like his puppy was dying in front of him and he couldn't do anything about it. Strange? Yes. That's why I think there might be something between them.

Yes, Diary, call me crazy, but I think my brother has the hots for her. Again, how can I not hate her? Every man in my life seems drawn to her, and she's the center of all the attention. What about me? Why can't I get some attention?

But I decided not to make my presence known and walked quietly to the gym, wondering if I should have a conversation with Emmett.

Should I?

What would I say? "Be careful, she's a bitch"? Or even "Please be with her so I can be with Edward"? That would be insane.

So I'm staying out of it and I'll enjoy this bliss until it ends, because even though I said it was strange, I liked this week too much. I could get used to the craziness that is Alice Cullen and to the stares of her ridiculously gorgeous brother.

_**B.S.**_

**Twitter:****pineapplesrock1**_**  
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	6. October 19th

**Thank you, again, Lisa and Jenn. You are simply the best. And thank you all for the reviews, the alerts and for the free PR.**

**October 19th, 2007**

There's this party today at Mike's and Lauren – the local bitch – said everyone was going. Let's just hope that's true.

I'm too tired to write today. Besides, Edward didn't even look at me once this week. I think that's reason enough to be depressed. Oh, and I saw him kissing Rosalie – again. It seems like Tanya is part of the past now. I wonder when (and if) my time will ever come.

_**B.S.**_

**Twitter: pineapplesrock1**_**  
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	7. October 26th

**I wasn't supposed to be posting this now, but since everyone was so disappointed with the last chapter, here's a surprise for you guys :)**

**Also, I'm sorry Edward isn't the best person right now, but he will be someday.  
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**As usual, Lisa and Jenn rock.  
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**October 26th, 2007**

The party at Mike's was strange. When I first walked in with Alice by my side, there were tons of people making out in corners, some drinking and others doing childish games like Spin the Bottle. No surprise there, right? Alcohol, hormones and Spin the Bottle seem to be a must have for every party.

The truth was I wasn't even a little bit excited about it. Not with the week I'd, at least. And although I told you that I wanted to go, I was lying. Because, in the end, I thought that I didn't want to have to see Rosalie and Edward together, again. But Alice – oh, poor Alice – dragged me to it, so oblivious to me and my mood swings. She thinks it's because of the weather, and that's because I tell her so. It has become so easy to lie nowadays.

So when we arrived, we grabbed a cheap drink from one of the old, suspicious bottles that were lying around Mike's kitchen and went searching for something fun to do. We decided to go to Mike's backyard, since there seemed to be some commotion there.

When we arrived, however, I immediately spotted Emmett and Edward, having a quiet conversation and sipping beers. I suddenly wondered if Edward knew Emmett had some sort of history with his girlfriend, but, come on… who are we kidding here? Of course he doesn't know. He loves precious Rosalie so much that he would destroy Emmett in a heartbeat. But I kind of have the feeling Emmett would do the same to Edward. Now that I know his secret, I can tell so many things from the way he looks at Rosalie…Especially in the parking lot.

But I dismissed my thoughts as we sat down on the porch swing. A few minutes later, two dudes from our school who smoke pot sat down and tried to chat with us. I learned, later, that their names were Riley and Jasper. They were cool and all, but Riley was hitting on me and he is totally not my type. I long for someone else's attention, not his.

But the same can't be said by Alice. She didn't warm up completely to Jasper, who seemed fond of her, but she didn't push him away either. I guess it's because Alice has a thing for cute musicians.

We were in the middle of a conversation when I heard Edward approaching us, Emmett long gone.

"Bella, are you all right?" he asked, eyeing Jasper and Riley.

"Why wouldn't I be?" I asked a little more sarcastically than intended. Alice, meanwhile, eyed me curiously. Blame it on the alcohol, sister.

I looked at Edward and he nodded once, tightly, and left without a single word. Guess he was satisfied enough, uh?

But do you want to know the good part, diary?

Later, when I was tipsy, holding a drunk, hiccups-y Alice, she told me Edward was jealous.

HA.

Edward. Jealous.

Yeah, right.

He doesn't give a shit about me. Why would he be jealous?

Anyway, this week was the same shit. I ate, slept, did my homework, listened to emo music, thought of Edward and talked to Alice. Dad is too busy with his "fishing trips". And with Emmett… I don't even try anymore.

Mom said she won't be able to come at all to Forks. Her words were, "Phil isn't feeling quite up to it."

Yeah, Mom, blame it on Phil.

_**B.S.**_

**Twitter: pineapplesrock1**_**  
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	8. November 2nd

**Thanks to Lisa, who is just wonderful. And thank you for reviewing, adding to alerts and well... reading.**

**November 2nd, 2007**

I have come to the decision to make a movie about my life. Or, you know, one of those books you read and wonder out loud, "Was this person on crack when she wrote this?"

On Monday, I found out Dad is dating some weird pot-head lady who happens to live in La Push. I don't know how they met and what the hell he sees in her, but I know she looks a lot like Renée (we're not allowed to talk about her) and that kind of scares me a little. We were eating breakfast silently and he just blurted that out, like nothing was wrong in what he's doing.

Wanna know what's more surprising? The fact that Emmett already knew. He just forced a smile, shrugged and looked at his cereal again, continuing his emo behavior. If I weren't in that same phase a week ago, I would slap him across the face. Why Rosalie? Why, of all people, Rosalie Hale?

But the issue was never discussed again. Dad seems cautious around me – which I think is hilarious – and never brings the dating thing up. I just hope he doesn't bring her home to meet us. That would be really awkward.

On Tuesday, things were normal. Alice rambled on about this project she wants to be a part of but, unfortunately, I tuned out. I hate that I can't be there for my best friend when she needs me, and I despise the fact that I can turn off on her so easily because of a guy. That's incredibly unfair, and if she knew, she would be mad as hell.

The day was going particularly well when, suddenly, I saw Rosalie coming out of the janitor's closet. I don't need to explain why my day was suddenly ruined, do I? Everyone knows what girls and boys do in the janitor closet or any particularly dark or enclosed space. And everyone must have done it, too.

Well, everyone except me, the Virgin.

You can also guess who came out right after her.

Yes, it was Edward.

And when he grinned at me, beet-red embarrassed, I felt like punching him. But I just blinked and looked away, hoping that my face didn't betray me, because that's one of the things I hate the most about me. I'm an open book, like Renée always said, and I do tend to show everything that I feel. To me, that's awful, not because I can't ever beat Emmett at poker, but because people can play with my feelings however they want.

But in this case, Edward isn't really playing with me, is he? I'm just a person in his ridiculously busy life, and Rosalie is the main character – the one person his whole life revolves around.

I wish I had the guts to confront him and tell him how much I love him and how much I hate him for making me so weak. But that's love, right?

No, it's not.

Love is not that. And even a sixteen year old like me can see that.

Love is candles and roses and loving someone so much it hurts. Love is making it through the hard days by knowing that person will be there by your side. Love is what I feel for Edward and what he can't feel for me.

And I'm tired of this constant state of self-pitying he puts me through, even though he doesn't even realize it. I'm getting more and more frustrated and even Alice can see that. How do I get over this insane crush? Or – even better – how can I _make_ him love me?

And the rest of the week was nothing compared to Monday. I just felt empty and cold, feeling the need to prove myself.

To whom?

As I said before, no one seems to care anymore.

_**B.S.**_

**Twitter: pineapplesrock1**_**  
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	9. November 9th

**Lisa is the best beta anyone could have. **

**Thanks, again, for reading. I'm updating now twice a week. **

**November 9th, 2007**

About an hour ago, I sat here in this chair and wondered what I would be writing about today. Since there hasn't been much happening lately, I had no idea what to write. Wait, maybe I did. More self-pitying words saying how much I need Edward to need me. When is that going to be enough?

Instead, I read all the things I've wrote: ever since he first noticed me until I thought he was actually jealous of me.

And I thought, a few minutes ago, "Why does my life revolve around him?"

Why do I keep trying to make something that does not exist be my entire life?

So I've decided to change that. Even if my attempts are futile, I am going to change that. I'm going to find a hobby and meet new people and maybe have a boyfriend. Or lots of new friends, who knows? I want to get over him once and for all.

I'm going to get dressed now and I'm going to drive to Port Angeles to check out the theater group I've read about in school.

No more Edward from now on.

_**B.S.**_


	10. November 16th

**Lisa and Rags are the best.  
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**November 17th, 2007**

I wish I didn't have any regrets in life. That way I wouldn't regret what I wrote in you on Friday. But then again, you're just a diary, right? You're not a person; you don't have feelings about what I write, and you can't judge me for what you see in here. But that doesn't stop me from being ashamed of what I wrote on Friday.

That theater group I talked about is completely lame. Starting with the teacher, who is almost forty and downright arrogant, and ending in a freak who I met there that breathed through his mouth and kept hitting on me all night – it was all a complete disaster.

But this week I don't seem to care anymore about it because school was weird and tense and surprisingly uncomfortable for Edward, which was something I enjoyed watching. A lot.

And you know why? Because Rosalie and Emmett made it official.

And I didn't even feel shock, since Edward's expression when he saw them together was priceless. But after feeling satisfied enough with the fact that he was suffering just a little, I got upset. He was upset that day because he loves her. And that will never be me, right?

Anyhow, I barely looked at him. And anytime he tried to smile or glance at me, I looked away and pretended to be busy with my cell phone. Yes, I'm not a coward or remotely pathetic.

Right.

Alice has been fun, as usual, except for the part where she spaces out when I'm talking to her. I should probably be offended or something, but I do the same thing whenever I think of Edward, which – of course – leads me to think that Alice is in love with someone.

That's great, right?

Everybody's happy and moving on, except for me. And, well, Edward, who is still hanging on Queen Bitch. Sucks to be him.

Sucks even more to be me.

_**B.S.**_

**Twitter: pineapplesrock1**_**  
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	11. November 23rd

**I wish I knew what Lisa and Rags know. Thanks again!  
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**November 23rd, 2007**

This week was hell, and I'm going to bed as soon as I finish writing this. I don't have any more strength left in me.

In the cafeteria on Tuesday, Edward and Emmett had a huge fight about Rosalie. It was nasty and they said some bad things to each other, but what pissed me off the most was the fact that she was sitting there, eating her salad, while two of the most important people in her life fought with each other. Also, the fact that Edward was acting like a raging lunatic because of her made me lose my appetite. Angela and everyone else in that cafeteria noticed how bothered I was by the scene, but I didn't give a damn. I left as quietly as possible.

Thursday morning, we received a letter from Renée with two tickets to Phoenix, so we can go spend Christmas with her and Phil. Of course, we only chose to tell Dad an hour ago – when he decided it was time to meet the pot-head lady. I have no idea what happened during that dinner that made Dad go upstairs and stay closed up in his bedroom, but I can't find myself caring. Not right now.

Emmett is off to Rosalie's place, so I'm going to sleep now. Not that it makes much difference if he's around or not.

_**B.S.**_

**Twitter: pineapplesrock1**_**  
><strong>_


	12. November 30th

**Thanks to Lisa and Rags, who rock. Also, thanks to all the readers for the reviews, alerts, free PR and PM's :)**

**The next update will be in a day or two.**

**November 30th, 2007**

Dear Diary,**  
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We've decided to go to Phoenix, but I'm thinking it's a bad idea. Mom's tickets are first class and they reek of luxury and of a new Renée that maybe I don't want to get to know. I'm just doing this because Emmett wants to go, which is surprising, to be frank.

Also, Alice and Jasper made it official. I'm happy for Alice and Jasper, and I don't doubt one second of their love for each other. I just wish everything was as easy as their relationship is.

This week, things continued to be tense between Edward and Emmett. When I was having lunch with Angela, Alice and Jasper, Edward started yelling at Emmett that he was "a son of a bitch", and that he had been dating Rosalie while they were still together. I chuckled at Edward's naiveté, and Alice joined along, even though she had no idea why I was laughing at all.

Dad doesn't talk to me or Emmett. It's just a series of grunts here and nods there, but he never looks at us. I don't know if it's because he's ashamed or still mad, but I didn't have many opportunities to ask him about it.

So now I'm going to sleep and forget about the look Edward gave me today. It was weird, intense, and it made my heart flutter. I'm convincing myself not to believe that it means something.

_**B.S.**_

**Twitter: pineapplesrock1**_**  
><strong>_


	13. December 7th

**Short, I know, but necessary.  
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**Thanks to my betas, Lisa and Rags.  
><strong>

**December 7th, 2007**

The number of essays I've had to complete this week was absurd. So I didn't get to see Edward.

I'm okay with that.

I think.

_**B.S.**_

**Twitter: pineapplesrock1**_**  
><strong>_


	14. December 14th

**Lisa and Rags rock, of course. They're the Brandon Flowers to my The Killers..?**

**Thank you for reading, reviewing, alerting and adding this story to your favorites :)  
><strong>

**December 14th, 2007**

School ended today, and I'm really thrilled to spend a few weeks away from my friends, teachers and Edward. I think it'll be good to spend the holidays reading and thinking clearly about things and how the next year will turn out. Maybe I'll make new friends, and maybe I'll even get over Edward. That would be… great.

Dad is speaking to us again, which is good, but I think it's a little forced. He wished us, a few minutes ago, a Merry Christmas. I think he'll be spending his with Sue (pot-head lady) and her kids. I feel a little guilty about it, but Renée is still our mother, and she wants to spend the holidays with us. He should have thought about it sooner.

Emmett is being more approachable and even speaks to me. Of course, we don't discuss his undying love for Rosalie or even what's going on in our lives. We discuss music, movies, make sarcastic remarks at each other, but we don't really talk about anything substantial. Not that my life is extraordinary or something like that.

I'm going to pack now, since it's already so late. I'm nervous about tomorrow and what Phoenix will bring.

_**B.S.**_

**As always, I would like to know what you think! **

**Twitter: pineapplesrock1**_**  
><strong>_


	15. December 21st

**Lisa and Rags are the Kurt Cobain to my Nirvana. **

**December 21st, 2007**

Phoenix is warm as usual, unlike Forks, which is freezing at this time of the year. That's one of the things I miss the most about Phoenix: the heat. Even in the winter it's beautiful, and I get nostalgic once we exit the airport.

We greeted my mother as if she hadn't abandoned us a few years ago, and we chitchat about small things like the weather, the plane and, to my dismay, Phil's daughter. It's not that I'm not glad he has a daughter and that he's bringing her to spend Christmas with us in a few days, it's just that I know I'll end up babysitting her or making uncomfortable small talk with her, if she happens to be older.

Emmett has smiled a lot during the days we've been here, which has surprised me. I didn't know he could function outside the Rosalie world in Forks, but I'm glad he does. He talks to Renée a lot more than he talks to Charlie, which I think is bizarre. But he's always been a momma's boy.

About Edward… I don't know what to say. I haven't seen him since Friday (obviously), and Alice hasn't talked about him much, so I don't know what he's up to. I just know there'll be a New Year's Eve party at Alice's on December 31st, and I'm kind of excited about it.

I'm off to buy some Christmas gifts, since I wasn't able to do it in Forks. I have no idea what to get Phil or Emmett.

With Renée it's easy. I don't even have to think about it.

_**B.S.**_

**Thank you for reading!**_**  
><strong>_


	16. December 28th

**Lisa and Rags are the ones that clean up my chapters, so they deserve a medal or something.**

**I'm aware that I don't usually write a disclaimer, and that's just wrong! **

**I don't own Twilight, just a great obsession over The Smiths. **

**December 28th, 2007**

I finally got the haircut that I've always wanted, and I'm digging it. I even feel pretty, which is a rare thing.

Mom convinced me to get a haircut yesterday, and it turns out that I do look good in bangs. I'm just afraid the wet and the cold in Forks will ruin it, but let's hope not.

We're going back to Forks tomorrow, and I already miss Phoenix. The last few days have been great, and I am seriously considering moving back here. I missed the city noises; I missed the trendy people, the traffic and, surprisingly, Renée.

I've always blamed her for leaving us, but she's now happier, and you can see it clearly. She's lighter, more fun, and living her life to the fullest with Phil – even if she's a little shallower than she was in Forks with my Dad.

I called to wish him a Merry Christmas, and his response surprised me. He actually laughed and told me he was having a great time and that I deserved one, too. I guess Sue is really good for him, even if she comes across as a little bitchy.

Anyway, this was one of the best Christmases I've ever had, even if I didn't get the one thing I want the most: Edward.

Maybe next year. Or not.

_**B.S.**_

* * *

><p><strong>Thank you for reading! If you haven't already, follow me on twitter: <span>pineapplesrock1<span>**_**  
><strong>_


	17. January 1st

**Thanks, Lisa and Rags.  
><strong>

**January 1st, 2008**

I swear I'm feeling butterflies right now, and I can't stop laughing, grinning like a fool and touching my lips. I want him, and I love him so much it hurts.

He kissed me. He actually kissed me.

I can't sleep. Not now, and not ever again.

_**B.S.**_

* * *

><p><strong>Please don't kill me. The next chapter will be up in a few days, with a big explanation.<strong>_**  
><strong>_


	18. January 4th

**Here's the explanation. Again, thank you for the alerts, reviews and all the love. **

**Lisa and Rags make this pretty. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. I'm just making stuff up. **

* * *

><p><strong>January 4th, 2008<strong>

_Dear Diary,_**  
><strong>

If you were a person, I could imagine you being a little like Alice, sitting cross-legged on her bed, jumping around in excitement. If you were a person, I'm sure you'd be an excited Alice three days ago.

So I'm going to tell you everything that happened that night, even if I still can't believe it.

That night, I wore a blue dress that Renée gave me for Christmas. It was beautiful and, with the right leggings, I would stand out at the party. So I bugged Emmett to drive me to the party and, once I arrived, I spotted Alice talking to Jasper. She was already a little drunk.

We talked for a while, until she said she needed to talk to me. We went to her bedroom, and when I sat on her bed, she started questioning me about Edward.

"What's up with you and Edward?" She actually narrowed her eyes at me while asking.

"Nothing, Alice. What are you talking about?" I had to lie. It was too mortifying to admit that I wish something was happening.

"I heard him talking to Riley about you. Why didn't you say something?" She sounded sad, and I got the feeling I was aggravating her by the confused look I must have had on my face.

"Alice, I swear there is nothing between Edward and me. We're not even friends."

I sounded resigned, but I didn't give a fuck at the time. Also, the beer was already making me a little tipsy, making everything much more intense than it really was.

"Why do you sound like that? And why does it seem like I'm missing something?"

So I told her the truth – how I felt, what I thought of him – everything. She stomped out of her room and left me behind. I tried talking to her, but she wouldn't listen to me.

So I decided to talk to Edward and ask for his help, even though I had never spoken more than a few words to him. It was awkward as hell since he was still with his friends, so I downed a few beers and vodka first.

Not a good idea.

Seriously.

Instead of asking for his help, I simply asked what his deal was and why Alice thought we had something going on. His answer was, "I talked to Riley about you the other day. I said you were kind of hot and smart and funny… I don't know; Alice must have heard me."

And I stupidly said, "Huh? You said all those things?"

He grinned and blushed. He actually _blushed_. "Yeah… And tonight you look even hotter."

My breathing became shallow – of course – and I got closer to him. From that moment on, I was lost.

After all that, we made out for a couple of hours. It was so intense, and I never felt anything like it before. The other boys were nothing compared to Edward, really.

The way he held me and the way he kissed me… It was all I could do not to faint.

And then he told me he really liked me, but now he's all weird at school, and I think it's because of Emmett.

What should I do? I have no idea.

Why is everything so freaking hard?

_**B.S.**_

* * *

><p><strong>If you're not already, go read "Real Plastic Trees". It's a great EmmettRosalie story, and you will love it.**_**  
><strong>_


	19. January 11th

**Thank you, once again - and I don't think it'll ever be enough - Lisa and Rags. **

**Thank you for reading and for reviewing! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own twilight.**

* * *

><p><strong>January 11th, 2008<strong>

I've talked to Edward, and he doesn't seem so weird anymore, even if he doesn't want anyone to see us together. I would be offended, but I don't really want that either. People in Forks – and, well, in any other small town – gossip too much. They would involve Emmett and then Rosalie, and then someone would say at the end that Edward broke up with Rosalie because of me. And while I wish that was true, it's not, so we're keeping ourselves in check at the moment.

The making out doesn't stop, and I'm glad. Edward is a really good kisser, and he smells so good it hurts. Also, we've talked a lot more. He's smart, funny and so freaking perfect that sometimes I wonder what he really sees in me.

I'm just afraid of what everyone else will think of us when they find out.

Also, Alice is not as mad at me as she was, but she's not the same. It feels like she disconnected herself from our friendship, and that seriously hurts me. I didn't do anything, so why is she acting so bizarrely?

I miss my best friend.

_**B.S.**_


	20. January 18th

**Lisa and Rags are the best.**

**January 18th, 2008**

He said he's not sure he wants to be with me.

Screw him.

Screw everyone.

_**B.S.**_


	21. January 25th

**Lisa and Rags are the best.  
><strong>

**January 25th, 2008**

Edward's behavior has been confusing, and I seriously don't like it. I'm supposed to be patient, like he asked me to, but I can't be _stupid_, and that's what he seems he wants me to be. Or worse, maybe he _thinks_ I'm stupid.

He's on and off whenever he likes, and I don't have a say on the matter. I'm getting tired of it and even more frustrated than usual.

Alice sees that I'm depressed, but she doesn't ask anything or even offer to help. It seems as if our friendship is dead to her; it just… sank down, exactly like the Titanic. I wish I had the guts to confront her and tell her that she's being unfair to me, but I don't know anymore if she's the one who's wrong or if it's me.

I hate loving people so much. If I kept my distance, I wouldn't be hurting like I am right now.

_**B.S. **_

* * *

><p><em><em>**I'm sorry that everyone is hating on Edward right now, but it's completely necessary. Besides, we all deal with tons of jerks during our lives, so it's not a big surprise that Edward is acting like this. Be patient, please.**_ **  
><strong>_


	22. February 15th

**Lisa and Rags cleaned this up.  
><strong>

**February 15th, 2008**

I've been avoiding him like the plague. I feel too embarrassed and hurt, and seeing him and his smile is not going to make all these feelings go away. Especially during the week of Valentine's Day.

Dad is happier now, and I think that's good, even though he has been whistling around the house. Not only is that weird, but annoying. We're all in a crappy mood, except for him. I wonder what happened to make him so happy. I guess we'll know soon.

Emmett has been in a shitty mood, just like me. I really don't think it's about Rosalie. I think it's something else school-related that he's not letting anyone know. Either way, I won't offer my shoulder for him to cry on or my good listener experience; he can find that elsewhere. I'm done trying to talk to him. It's like he's ashamed of me, or feels superior somehow. I'm only two years younger than him, so I don't know what the big deal is.

But I guess eighteen-year-olds don't want to hang out with sixteen-year-olds anymore. Yes, that was a jab at Edward.

He seems to want to talk to me, but I can't know for sure, since I really am avoiding him. Shamelessly.

He knows he shouldn't have played with my feelings, so what does he want now? Does he pity me? Is that it?

Well, he can go to hell.

And Alice can do the same thing. I'm tired of her constant cruelty.

_**B.S.**_

* * *

><p><strong>Bad things are coming. Sorry<strong>_**_._  
><strong>_


	23. February 22nd

**Lisa and Rags are the fastest betas in the world.  
><strong>

**February 22nd, 2008**

I finally found out what's going on with Dad. Apparently, he's been offered a job with the Seattle PD.

They told him he had to be there by the end of April.

I'm not feeling anything about moving to Seattle. There's nothing or no one keeping me here.

_**B.S.**_


	24. February 29th

**Lisa and Rags, thanks for being the fastest and the most efficient betas in the world.**

**Thank you all for the love and constant support this fic has. It's wonderful to know someone out there is appreciating it. **

**February 29th, 2008**

This week was slightly better when it came to Edward.

He tried to talk to me a little bit more, and he even tried to explain his standoffish behavior, even though I could tell he wasn't really feeling it. It's as if once he had me, he was no longer interested. But when it looks like he might lose me, I'm now this precious little thing.

It's so sick and obvious that I don't know how I didn't realize it before.

Maybe that's why Alice is so mad at me. She knows I'll end up hurt, and she can't avoid it. After all, she must know her brother, just like she knows there's no one else he would love besides Rosalie.

We've also talked to Renée about going to Seattle. She was just indifferent to it all and wished us good luck with the moving. Pathetic doesn't even begin to cover her shitty behavior. But I guess no one was really that surprised. She's just like that. Eccentric, selfish and indifferent to everyone.

Emmett is the one taking this change very badly. I'm pretty sure it's not because he's going to miss his jackass friends or the football team. It's all because of Rosalie; we all know that. God, that bitch has the best people in her life. How can they look at her and not see what I see? Even Alice says she's a horrible person. How come she gets the best, being the way she is?

The worst thing of all is that, deep down, Edward still wants her and no one else. Why do I keep thinking I, plain ol' Bella Swan, is going to change that?

I should just settle down with someone like Mike and get it over with. It would be faster, simpler, and it wouldn't make me hurt this much.

_**B.S.**_


	25. March 7th

**Thank you, Lisa and Rags, for being so great.  
><strong>

**March 7th, 2008**

He finally got the courage to apologize to me and his words were, "I'm sorry I said I didn't want to be with you. I do. I want to try this out, whatever this is."

I grinned like a fool and kissed him (behind the gym, of course) for hours. I guess you can say, again, that I'm a swoony bitch. I'm content with this right now, even if I doubt if he really likes me or if he's just pretending, since he's got no one else.

I'm so freaking confused, and it's killing me. That's all I think about now – him, him, him. I miss being independent and the days when he was nothing more than my brother's best friend.

But this is what I've always wanted, right?

So why don't I feel happy?

_**B.S.**_

* * *

><p><strong>So... I'm listening to Arctic Monkeys. What are you listening to?<strong>_**  
><strong>_


	26. March 14th

**Lisa and Rags are the best betas in the world.**

**March 21st, 2008**

Everyone already knows that we're moving, and I'm a little bit scared. Even though Edward promised he would call me every day, I know it won't be the same. I'm afraid I'll end up losing this little piece I have of him.

Emmett is acting like a douche – there's no other word to describe his behavior – and we're all sick of it. He should just accept the facts and pray that Rosalie doesn't fall into anyone else's arms after he's gone. Besides, he can come here every other weekend.

Sue – pot-head lady – came over today for dinner. Things between her and Dad are a little tense, but they seem okay. He stayed glued to her the whole night, and I suspect she didn't mind. I'm glad Dad has someone like Sue. Even though she sells pot, herbs and stuff I doubt is for medicinal reasons, she seems like a really nice lady.

Alice is still mad at me, and not even when I'm moving away does she talk to me. I'm hurt and pretty much convinced this friendship is over. Well, it's too bad. She was my best friend.

Maybe I should make a bigger deal out of this, but I don't want to. It was her choice, and when I tried to fix it, she didn't let me.

I'm now going out. Even though the goodbye party is next Saturday, I still want to spend more time with my friends. When I talked to Edward about making plans, he was very evasive and mysterious.

I won't think too much about that. It's just worse when I do.

_**B.S.**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Next and last chapter of the first part (what? - I know) is going to be posted tomorrow or even today.<br>**_


	27. March 22nd

**March 22nd, 2008**

I'm still trying to erase the images from my head. Edward naked, on top of her, grunting and saying, "I love you. I love you," over and over.

I want to die.

I need someone to kill me. Or I'll do it myself.

_**B.S.**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>So... this is the end of the first part. Still with me?<br>**_


	28. September 15th 2011

**This was supposed to be posted two days ago, but stuff comes up, so it's out of my hands. From now on, though, chapters will be posted on real time. **

**Lisa and Rags, thank you for taking the time to clean up my mistakes. **

**This is the second part I told you about. Let me know what you think.  
><strong>

**September 15****th****, 2011**

_This is not a diary, I can promise you that. It's a small notebook that I carry around with me. It's not girly or pink, nor does it smell like strawberries. I finally moved on from that one. I think it's in my attic right now, lying on the dusty boxes we packed when we moved from Forks._

_I'm starting college today, and as I'm writing this, we're driving to UW. Well, Dad's driving, and I'm beside him, writing in this small leather notebook. I wish Emmett could have come with us today, but he's studying for an upcoming exam. Ever since "the accident" – as we call it – we've been closer, and I love it. _

_I can now say, for sure, that my brother is my best friend, even though he sometimes distances himself from me. _

_I think that's okay. We all need a break eventually._

_Even though the campus is a half an hour away from my house, we still agreed that I need the full college experience, and that includes sharing an apartment with someone, I guess. _

_My roommate's name is Kate, and I met her last week. She's absolutely fucking crazy. Not only that, but she's also a little feisty, and a little horny. When I was dropping my things on the floor and about to enter our dorm room, I'm pretty sure she was making out with her boyfriend heavily. Though, from all the guys I've seen her with this week, I'm pretty sure she's not going steady with anyone any time soon._

_She's a blonde, and she reminds me of Rosalie and a little bit of Alice, too, though her hair is shorter and curly, but not like Rosalie's hair; it's wilder. She has a weird way of dressing herself, but she's really, really nice. Not to mention that she just gets me. Not completely, of course, like Alice and Tanya (my best friend from Seattle High), but she understands how I work and how I need things to happen. _

_I have a good feeling about this, and I'm sure we're going to be great friends. I just know it. _

_She's no Alice, though, and I keep getting more and more depressed over how we left things. Even though Edward was a douche, it wasn't Alice's fault. I still keep thinking how I loved her as a best friend, and how I would love to send her an e-mail, to check up on things. Emmett keeps saying that's not a good idea, but I don't know anymore. _

_Should I send her an e-mail?_

_**Bella**_


	29. September 21st 2011

**This is not a diary entry. Some chapters will be like this, just so you know. **

**Betas are Lisa and Rags. You wouldn't imagine how great they are. Only if you know them. So, if you do, you can imagine.**

* * *

><p>"Maybe you should look at those flyers Dad brought home," I suggest, eyeing the suspicious looking cupcakes in front of me. They do look delicious, but I'm not sure if they were made recently or have been here for a couple of days.<p>

Emmett groans. "You know I don't want to be a police officer, Bells." He orders an orange juice and motions toward the tables. Angela – I think that's her name – smiles too eagerly at him, and I try to hide my smirk.

"Okay, but if you don't feel like engineering is your thing anymore, maybe you should consider doing something else."

He looks at me with a "no shit" expression on his face. I smile, and Angela brings our order, setting it down slowly on the table. I think Emmett should ask her out already. She likes him, obviously, and he has a thing for brunettes these days. If I were a psychiatrist, I would say it has something to do with a small town bitch we knew two years ago.

"Thanks, Ange," he says, flashing his signature grin, complete with dimples. She becomes momentarily dazed, and it's all I can do not to laugh. He's pushing her buttons, and one of these days she's going to do something about it. I just want to be there to see it.

"No problem," she says, her voice breathy. I look down and cover my mouth with my fingers, trying desperately not to smile.

"Was that really necessary?" I ask once she's already behind the register.

"What?" he asks innocently.

I sigh, opening my bottle of water. "You should ask her out already. She's cute _and _sweet. Plus, she doesn't look like a slut, unlike your other _friends_."

He glares at me. "I'll ask her out when I think it's the right time. Right now, I've got to figure out what the hell I'm going to do with my life. I think that's far more important than a girl, don't you think?"

I chuckle, impressed with his sudden maturity. "Why, dear brother, you are growing up!"

He glares at me again, and then he looks down at the table. "Do you know who I ran into yesterday?"

His expression is guarded, but I figure out why too late.

"Edward."

That simple name – and the gorgeous face that comes with it – is enough to make me lose my appetite. I got over what happened pretty quickly, if I do say so myself, but hearing his name – and what he did to me – still stings. Also, the fact that he didn't even bother clearing things up with me – you know, for the sake of it – made things even worse. What kind of douchebag does that?

Emmett sees my face and he adds, "So… Dad talked to Dr. Cullen a few days ago, and it seems like Edward transferred here."

"What do you mean?" I frown. This is totally weird, since I know New York has always been Edward's chosen city to go to school for pre-med.

"He just transferred down here, no questions asked. It was kind of weird, but Dr. Cullen said he wasn't happy with New York and this way he could be close to home."

"That makes sense, I guess," I add in a small voice. I'm really, _really_ hoping I don't come face to face with him, but the UW campus is not as big as you might think it is.

Silence.

"Have you e-mailed Alice?" he asks quietly, almost as if he's afraid of my reaction to this news. He knows me well, but not that well. He has no idea what I'm thinking.

"No. You said it was a bad idea." I frown again. What's his deal?

"I think you should," he says with his mouth full. "If you miss her so much…"

"I do miss her," I say, looking at him. "But she hasn't made any effort to contact me. Why should I do it?"

He sighs, dropping his silverware on the table. "You don't know what's happened over the last few years." At my dubious look, he continues, "Besides, we're not in high school anymore. I'm sure she'll love talking to you again."

I eye him suspiciously. "Okay. I'll think about it."

"Good," is his response, followed by a nod.

We talk for a few more minutes, until I ask what I wanted to ask when he mentioned Edward.

"Did he say anything to you?" I ask curiously, not meeting his eyes.

He grimaces. "Yes. He said it was good seeing me again, and then took off in the opposite direction."

"Well, that seems… normal, I guess?"

He looks away, and I know he's thinking about that night, even though he didn't see, nor did he hear what happened between Edward and Rosalie. And I think he regrets not paying attention to me all those times, when I knew – subconsciously – that Rosalie didn't care for anyone but herself, and that she was just using him.

Still… in some twisted way, I'm glad it happened.


	30. September 29th 2011

**Sigh. I'm sorry the updates aren't so frequent anymore, but the previously written chapters that I had stored in my computer are now gone, so it takes me a few days to write one of these.**

**Lisa and Rags, thank you.  
><strong>

**September 29****th****, 2011**

_This was the e-mail I sent to Alice:_

Hi, Alice.

I'm pretty sure you're freaking out right now just by seeing my name on your screen, but I finally got the courage to e-mail you. You know, to check on things and maybe apologize for what I might have done. I don't know if this attempt at apologizing is futile, but I'm doing it anyway. We're both (hopefully) going through a great phase of our lives, and I wanted to know how you're doing.

So, I guess that's it.

Bella

_And I still haven't gotten a reply. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude, but I know it's ridiculous to think that she would answer to an e-mail of mine after all the things that must have happened after we left Forks. Still… I do miss her, even if I feel like I don't know her anymore. Who knows? She might be a stuck up princess now, have annoying little friends or even have gotten a nose job. In three (four?) years, lots of things can change, and I'm an example of that._

_But it would be nice to get some sort of reply, even just a "fuck off." That way, I would know that she's alive, at least._

_I also met a guy this week. His name is Adam, and he works at the Starbucks near campus. He's tall and gorgeous – a little cocky, if you ask me – but he's got a great personality. He hit on me – trust me, it was LOUD and clear – while I was ordering my coffee, and I was late so there wasn't much time to chat, but now I'm sure he doesn't do that to every girl. There are thousands of girls at U-Dub, and I'm worried I'm not that special to be hit on to begin with._

_To be perfectly honest, once I moved to Seattle, I accidently bloomed and became a girl with real breasts. Also, my ass transformed, too, which wasn't so bad. The important part was that I acquired a certain confidence (no, not cockiness), and I liked myself more. But now with Edward back in my life – even if I haven't even seen him – I feel insecure again, along with that shitty, sixteen-year old personality that just pisses me off. _

_I won't get into it too much. _

_Adam is just a guy, and there are plenty of them out there. _

_Now I'll just prepare myself for the awesomeness that is the Clearwaters. Sue actually lives with my father, and she's bringing her whole family to have dinner. I think it's nice, and I love them all as a family._

_**Bella**_


	31. October 19th 2011

**Shame on me, I know. Thank you for sticking around.**

**As always, Lisa and Rags are the best.  
><strong>

**October 19th, 2011 **

_If there is anything that Forks has taught me it's that you should be truthful to who you are. You should stick to your own gut when you know you can't really trust someone. You should never hope and dream that someone will change. But now – it's Monday and past midnight – I can't help but wonder if I got the lesson wrong all along. _

_I've seen Edward around – more times than I can count, actually – and he's not the same. I'm not talking about his looks, about his clothes or even about his hair – which is still the same mess. _

_Although he looked the same, I keep remembering how he didn't, not really. His posture is different, his boyish, cocky grin is gone, and there's an intensity to him that left me a little breathless. The carefree, young look in his beautiful eyes is now gone, replaced by something I can't quite pinpoint. Maybe that's what makes us different from high school – the way we see the world. _

_He was entering the small coffee shop near campus. Surprisingly – or not so surprisingly – it made me wonder what his life is like now. What kind of books he reads, what kind of relationships he has, and so on. I don't know why, but imagining him being like he was in high school – an arrogant know-it-all – makes me feel weird. It's like associating Johnny Cash with Pop. It just doesn't make sense. But, in fact, I don't care about him at all. I'm calling this thing curiosity. He broke my heart the worst way anyone could have broken it, so I have the right not to care._

_Adam has been flirting with me some more, and sometimes I even flirt back, but I'm just not into it. I don't know… maybe it was the news I got last week that got me all riled. I think no one was expecting Dad to do what he did, but I feel even more sorry for Sue. I've become so attached to her over these years that I'm not speaking to him. He cheated on her – something I disapprove of and absolutely loathe. He even said it wasn't cheating, but it was, even if they were in a bad phase – a break, as he said. _

_Now I can't even look at him – my righteous father, who never did anything wrong – and the thought that every man eventually does that leaves no room for Adam in my life. But, like I said, he's just a guy. There are plenty of them out there._

_Oh, and Emmett has finally decided on a career path – law. He wants to be a lawyer. My father – before all of this crap with Sue – snorted at his decision, but Emmett says he's going to enroll as soon as possible. Though if it's not possible, he'll enroll this winter. Good for him._

_Now I'm off to read _"War and Peace"_, though I'm not sure I'll be able to concentrate at all. It's just so hard these days. _

_**Bella**_


	32. October 30th 2011

**October 30th, 2011 **

I don't have many friends in Seattle, and it doesn't take a genius to figure out why. I tell people that I'm very close to my family, and that I don't need friends, but that's not the truth. I've been hurt before, and if I can help it, I'll avoid having too many people in my life that could potentially hurt me.

But I have a few friends, and even though I don't talk to them every week, I still love them and hang out with them whenever I can. So Jacob calls me this morning and asks me if I'm up for coffee. I say, "Sure," because what else do I have to do besides sitting around on my couch? He chooses a small bakery near campus, and I meet him there at around 10 AM. It's early (at least for me), but when I enter the bakery, I can hear the commotion and loud voices talking. This bakery is big – and smells heavenly, by the way – so it's hard to find Jacob. When I spot him, though, my heart completely stops.

Edward Cullen.

How the hell do they know each other?

Before I can turn around and make a run for it, Jacob yells my name. I don't look at Edward and smile tightly and approach them slowly.

"Hi," I say quietly, waving like a freak. "I was just going to the ladies' room."

"What? You don't like public bathrooms," Jacob remarks, frowning,

"Yes, I do," I reply, looking away. I catch Edward's face expression and he's still as a statue. It should make me smile that this situation makes him uncomfortable, but, instead, it makes _me_ uncomfortable.

"Hey, guess what?" Jake turns to me. "I was just showing Edward around. He's new here." He pauses. "Have you two met?"

"Ye –"

"Actually, no." I turn to him. "I'm Bella, nice to meet you."

He's quick to answer. "I'm Edward. Just… don't call me Eddie."

I stare at him until he gets it. I'm not giving him a second chance. I'm blowing him off and saving my ass, since I know Jacob would jump on the chance to ask what the hell is going on.

"Okay, I'll be going then. Thanks a lot, man." They shake hands and do the guy thing, and by the time he leaves, I'm not feeling any better.

"So… what do you want?" Jacob asks, leading me to one of the tables.

"Whatever you're getting, I guess."

Blowing someone off without wanting to sound like a complete douche is pretty hard, but Jacob kept going on and on about how awesome Edward really was and how he was born for medicine. Apparently they ended up in the same class. Yay.

I open the door to my apartment and drop my keys in the purple, star-shaped bowl, already smelling popcorn in the air. Although I don't see it anywhere.

"Why the long face, doll?" I swear there's a different nickname for me every time we see each other.

"Just ran into my past. I don't want to talk about it," I say, sitting on the couch near her.

"Sucks," Kate mumbles, picking up yet another gummi bear from her huge bowl.

_Doctor Who_ is on. I didn't know until a few weeks ago that this show even existed. Kate is fixated on this kind of shit, though I really don't see the appeal. Not only this, but she likes comics like Superman, Batman and Green Lantern, she's completely obsessed with Harry Potter, and she's constantly making references to Lord of the Rings and Star Wars. In spite of fixating on all this, she still has a hectic social life, one I would very much like to have.

"How can you watch this? It's so fucking boring."

Kate gives me a look that clearly says, "Shut up or I'll cut you, bitch."

I laugh and nod, making myself comfortable on the couch. We continue watching the episode, and Kate laughs at a few scenes, while I stare awkwardly at her. When it's over, she asks what I'm thinking about.

"Nothing, really. Just that I was really stupid when I was sixteen."

She snorts, changing the channel. "We're all stupid when we're sixteen. That's why there's a thing called growing up. So that we can tell how stupid we were two, three years ago."

"I guess," I reply lamely, staring at the TV.

"So what happened?" she asks, laying her head on the other side of the couch and her feet on my lap. It catches me off guard, because I used to do this with Alice, and because I don't know Kate all that well.

"There was this guy –"

"Wow, there's always a guy." She laughs, and noticing my annoyance, she stops and tells me to keep going.

"He used to date this really beautiful girl, and I thought I didn't have a chance with him, but then they broke up and he became kind of interested in me –"

"I see where this is going," she interrupts, looking at the TV again.

"You do?" I frown, looking at her.

"So you guys dated, and he couldn't love you like you needed him to."

"Ha, it wasn't only that," I say, chuckling bitterly. "He cheated on me with her. At my goodbye party. And I saw them."

Her eyes widen, and now her interest is definitely piqued. "Are you fucking serious? Your life should be a Hollywood movie."

"Oh, yes, absolutely," I reply sarcastically, smiling a little.

"I'm serious. Lots of potential. Maybe Kristen Stewart could do you. Oh, better, Emma Stone."

I laugh. "First of all, I don't know any of those actresses, and second of all… how do you know these things?"

She shrugs, picking up her bowl and putting it on the table. "I'm a movie geek."

"No shit."

I end up getting a pillow in my face, and I laugh, because I think I found a new best friend.

"You know, Dad's not going to change his mind."

"About what?" my brother mumbles, unaware that there are people staring at him.

"About you and law school. You know what he thinks about lawyers."

He looks at me. "What is your point?"

"You shouldn't expect him to just forget it. Instead, why don't you try to convince him that it's the right thing for you?"

"Because I shouldn't need to," he replies, inspecting the showcase closely. As if he even knows what he's getting.

"Fine, I'm done talking about this. What do you think about that one?" I ask, while gesturing for the salesman to come closer.

He makes a weird face. "Really? It's so blah."

"I know what she likes, okay? Besides, she can come here and pick something else if she doesn't like it."

"Okay, then."

And after buying it and leaving the store, we take a cab and go to the Clearwaters' new house, hoping that Sue is okay and that nothing major is going to happen tonight. I don't think any of us can handle it.


	33. November 30th 2011

**Jesus, I suck, I know. **

**Thank you, once again, for the reviews, alerts, publicity, etc. You really are great. **

**This story will be finished probably before New Year's Eve.**

**November 29th, 2011**

_I'm tired and I haven't slept in days. I haven't written anything lately, and that makes me more frustrated than anything else that's been going on._

_One: I'm tired of seeing Edward all the time. It bothers me too much, and he doesn't seem to get it. Besides, I know he's been talking about me to Jake, which is really bad. I don't want this guy to ask questions about me or even dare to say my name. But that's not really how things work, is it?_

_Kate all of a sudden likes Jacob. I'm not even sure why, but who am I to keep them from doing anything? I just don't want to see her getting hurt, like I know it will happen. Jake is not exactly the one that you bring to your parents, if that makes any sense. He's the one you had fun with one time at a party. So I'm a little bit worried._

_I've been also fighting a lot with my father, which is more than natural, if you ask me. He didn't think that cheating on Sue and eventually being left by her would just affect him, did he? We were all a family before this. A weird, new family, but we were still very close to each other. Now, we spend our weekends having dinner with Sue and her kids, and babysitting my father during the week, since he doesn't even know how to turn on the oven. It's exhausting, and something I'm certainly not ready for._

_And Thanksgiving must have been the most boring one so far. I cooked, so the food wasn't great, and we were quiet the whole meal. Not really something I want to remember. _

_Oh, and university is kicking my ass, as it's been said. _

_I'm hoping I last until Christmas. _

_**Bella**_


	34. December 8th, 2011

**Probably one or two more chapters left. **

**Thanks for sticking with me, by the way. This chapter is short, but extremely necessary.**

**Lisa and Rags are the best.  
><strong>

**December 8th, 2011**

"How could you _do_ something like that?" I try to stay calm, but I'm too mad and irrational right now.

He looks up from his desk and rolls his eyes. "What did I do?"

"You cheated on her, you asshole," I spit, fighting the urge to kick him in the balls. "How could you do that?"

"Oh, that," he mumbles, looking out of the window.

"You promised you wouldn't do that. How could you be such an asshole?" I'm losing my shit. I'm _definitely_ losing my shit.

He stands up and buries his hands in his pockets. "Look, I apologized. I shouldn't have done that to her, but she should have known we weren't exclusive."

"Damn right, you weren't exclusive. You were fucking someone behind her back!"

"What's it to you? I've always been like this," Jake scoffs.

"Yeah, but apparently you forgot that she's my friend. My best friend, for that matter."

He looks hurt, but right now that doesn't affect me in the slightest.

"Look, never mind. It was stupid of me to think you'd ever change. God," I mumble.

I storm out of the apartment without looking back. It's one thing to do it to someone else – and it's still pretty dishonest and wrong – but it's another thing to do it to Kate. And yes, she's not the best judge of character when it comes to guys, but I know she likes Jacob, and it feels like it's the first time that's ever happened.

So the one guy she likes cheats on her like it's nothing?

I grab my car keys and decide to go home and curl up on my sofa, while I pretend – in front of Kate, I should mention – that nothing's wrong and that I didn't know a long time ago that this was going to happen.

_Dad calling_

"Yes?"

I hear commotion in the background. "Bella? Hi, it's Dad."

"Hey. What's going on?" I ask, switching off the TV.

"Do you want to come over on Saturday? Sue is making your favorite," he says, and I'll bet he's all smiles from his tone.

"What?" I frown, looking at Kate, but she's too distracted reading a magazine.

"We'll explain it later. Be here by seven," he declares.

"All right."


	35. December 31th, 2011

**I'm a big fail. Sorry.**

**This was supposed to be posted on New Year's Eve, but oh well...**

**Thank you, Lisa and Rags. **

**31th December, 2011**

My father frowns. "What do you mean?"

I sigh in exasperation. "I'm spending my New Year's Eve with Kate and some friends. Besides, you'll have Emmett here, and he'll bring Angela, so… you won't need me here."

He scoffs, adjusting his tie. "Of course I won't need you. I _want_ you here; there's a difference. And how long have you known that Kate person?"

I hate it when he talks down to people or insinuates, in some way, that he's superior to them.

"Long enough, Dad. We'll be having some friends over, so that's cool."

He shakes his head, muttering something under his breath.

"Well, it's decided," I declare, standing up. "I'll visit you tomorrow, and we'll all have lunch. How's that?"

"Fine," Charlie Swan retorts, in his manly, stubborn kind of way.

"Fine," I mimic, shutting the door on my way out.

**;*;*;**

When it's already eight PM and I'm finally about to sit down, my feet are aching and my back hurts too much. I turn on the TV and tell Kate to stop walking around, but it's no use. She ate too many Snickers and M&M's today, so she can't sit still for even just a second. It's like being around a little kid.

"Kate, calm down. You look beautiful. Stop worrying," she says to herself, looking in the large mirror we put on the living room wall.

"What is this all about?" I ask, settling myself to watch _90210_. An old episode. Nice.

She sighs and sits beside me, and I swear I've never seen her so serious. "Do you promise not to yell at me?"

"You know I can't promise that," I tell her, chuckling quietly.

"I sort of invited Jacob to our party. It was stupid, I know. But I need to talk to him."

I look at her, completely baffled. She likes him more than I thought was possible.

"Kate, look," I say, turning to her and grabbing both of her hands. "You don't know Jake. I do, and let me tell you something: he's honest, kind and a life-saver when it comes to his friends, but it's not the same with girls. And honestly, I don't know how two people can exist inside of one, but that's the reality. He was an asshole to you, and he's not going to stop being one. So move on, please."

I notice the sad look on her face, and I can see that her guard is down. The self-assured, confident and feisty girl I met a few months ago is no longer; instead, she's being open, lovely and human. It's great, and it would really be flattering to me that she felt comfortable enough to speak honestly with me, but right now it doesn't make me feel any good.

"I know," she says. And then she sighs, puts on a fake smile and jumps up, scaring me like hell. "I have an idea! I'm going to buy more champagne, okay?"

"Okay, go ahead." I nod while I watch her pick up her coat and head out. Now I'm definitely worried.

**;*;*;**

It's not until a quarter to midnight that people start arriving at our party. Since ten PM, we've been worried sick that no one was going to come. To make things even worse, they all come around already drunk, holding a bottle or two of something cheap.

I open the door and find a few friends of Kate's staring down at me. I guess they're trying to figure out what kind of person I am, but I can't see how they can do that while staring at my clothes. I smile politely and let them in, secretly hoping that they like me enough.

"Where's Kate?" one of the girls asks. I think her name is Emma. She has wild and unruly red hair and it's all I can focus on, to be frank.

"She must be in the kitchen fixing some sandwiches. Can I help you with something?"

She scrunches up her nose and frowns, battling between telling me and going to find Kate herself.

"You know that guy she was fucking?"

I cringe, nodding.

She rolls her eyes and continues, "I saw him getting blasted at Reggie's. And he was making out with some chick," she drawls on, looking around the living room.

"What a fucking asshole," I mutter, shaking my head. "Thanks for telling me that, by the way."

She shrugs. "I like Kate. Seeing her with assholes makes me mad."

"It's understandable," I comment, grabbing a plastic cup and pouring myself some vodka.

Minutes later we're counting down the seconds to midnight. It's thrilling, actually, to be spending this night with friends and people who I don't know, but who seem super nice. We almost break our TV while jumping up and down, laughing and screaming "Happy New Year!", hugging each other and scrunching our noses in disgust at the couples around us.

Someone spills something blue on me, and I immediately go to the bathroom before it stays there permanently. Kate approaches me at the bathroom, and the music is so loud I can barely hear her.

"He didn't come! I can't believe he didn't come!" she says in frustration, but I'm slightly drunk and more confused than I was at the beginning of the night.

"Who are you talking about?"

"Jacob. He didn't come. Why is he such an asshole? Why?" Kate's rambling and making me dizzy.

"Do you want me to call him?" I ask, hugging her side. "I can call him."

"Yes," she says in a huff. "No, no! He should want to come."

I shake my head, sitting down with my back to the bathtub.

"I know he's my friend, but he doesn't deserve you. You'll find someone much, much better."

She crosses her legs, and I see her staring at the floor intently. "You think so? Because I'm tired of all these airheads. At least he got something going for him."

I laugh. "What, the sex?"

"No. Music."

I laugh even louder. "Those psycho, metal bands that he loves?"

She chuckles. "It was hot."

"I bet it was."

We smirk. It's good to have someone you can count on.

**;*;*;**

"Hey, hey, hey!" I shout, grabbing his arm. "What the hell are you doing with my phone?"

This guy seems scared, and he immediately gives it back to me. "Some dude called."

"No shit," I reply, turning my back on him and checking the caller ID.

Great.

"What? Are you deciding whether to continue making out with that chick or actually coming here to apologize for what you've been doing to my friend?"

"Hello?"

I don't recognize this voice.

"Hello?" I sigh. "Jacob?"

I hear some rustling and some background noise. Is that someone throwing up? "Hey, this isn't Jacob. He's currently very drunk and being a pain in the ass –"

"You're a pain in the ass!" someone yells.

"Anyway, could you come and pick him up? I don't drive," he says.

"Who is this?" I ask. "And why can't you drive?" I retreat slowly to the kitchen, frowning.

"I… uh… I kind of ran over a cat," he mutters, chuckling quietly.

"You what?" I may be laughing hysterically, but I know there's nothing even remotely funny about running over an animal. It's the alcohol kicking in.

There's some rustling and I hear a female voice. "Just tell her to get here. He can't drive like this!"

"So… hey, could you come? Please?"

I grab a bottle of water from the fridge and sigh. "Sure. Just tell me where you are."

**;*;*;**

I pull up the car slowly and watch as a group notices my presence. I think that's where Jake is. I quickly examine my face before leaving the car. I'm paler than usual and there are black circles around my eyes. I blink at my reflection and get out, already mad that Jake is still vomiting on the side of the road, and his group of friends is laughing. Seriously?

I continue walking when I spot Edward slightly behind him, frowning. I should probably turn around and let him take care of this, but he's probably too selfish to want to drop Jake home. Also, he doesn't affect me as much as he used to. Thank God.

As they see me approaching, their conversations die down. I slowly walk behind Jacob and tell him that it's time to go home. He convulses and vomits again, making me step back.

"Sorry about that," Edward mutters by my side. "I thought he was used to this."

"To what?"

"Drinking. Isn't that what we're supposed to do on New Year's Eve?" He frowns again, and I think he's all about frowning, isn't he?

I don't reply. I simply stare at Jake's bent form and wait for him to finish.

"And I'm sorry about calling you, too. That was weird," he says, glancing at me.

"That was you?" It comes out more as a statement. I'm shocked, but I guess I don't really show it.

He chuckles. "Yeah. I actually ran over a cat," he admits, looking sheepish.

"Then you must suck at driving."

His face scrunches up. "Oh, you have no idea."

I laugh out loud, and it's too late when I realize that I just let myself laugh at some joke Edward said. Wow.

Jacob seems to want to go home, so I help him get to the car.

"How's Kate?" The way he asks this makes me think he's not being an asshole. He actually might care. Huh.

"You should ask her yourself," I reply, shaking my head.

"Yeah, I was an ass."

I laugh, hiding my face in his chest. "Yes, you were."

He stops suddenly and stares at me. "Isn't Edward coming? He's sleeping on my couch tonight."

I cringe. A ride home with Edward. Nice.

I turn around and call after him. He turns his head and catches up to us, grabbing Jake's arm.

"I can just take a cab," Edward states, looking at the floor.

Sighing, I reply, "No, that's ridiculous. I'm driving him, so you should come."

He exhales and smiles sheepishly. "Yeah, thanks."

**Thank you for reading. **


	36. February 24th, 2012

**Thank you, Lisa and Rags, for being great betas.**

**This is coming to an end, by the way.**

**February 24th, 2012**

"Who's going to this thing again?"

"Emma, Angela – of course – me, Jacob, Serena, Pete, Gabriel and Sabrina," Emmett says.

I don't like this lipstick. I wish Kate was home to help me with this.

"Hey, Em, which lipstick color should I go with – pink or red?" I ask, pursing my lips at the mirror. No, brown is definitely not my color. I look emo.

"What the fuck do I know?" he replies, laughing. I hear him talking on the phone with someone. It must be Angela.

"Fine. I'll text Kate then. She'll know what to do."

***.-.*.-.***

I'm ready half an hour later, and Emmett's bugging me to move along. I don't know why, but I want to look good tonight. Or maybe I know why, and that scares me a little.

"It's just dinner with friends. Why do you have to be all dressed up?"

I scoff. "You don't know what you're saying. Your girlfriend is thin as a stick and her hair is straight. She doesn't have to do what I have to do to look good."

"Damn right, she doesn't," he replies, earning himself a smack on the shoulder.

He suddenly stops on the way to his car, turning to me with a serious expression on her face. "Are you sure you're okay with Jacob being there?"

"Sure. I don't get why Angela would invite him of all people, but I don't have a problem with him."

He frowns, getting in the car. I follow him and get in the passenger's seat, quickly putting my seatbelt on. I turn on the radio, and "Wonderwall" is on. It's been a while since I've heard this song.

"But I thought you were okay?" he says, starting the ignition.

"We were, until he started dating that Ellen girl. I knew it was inevitable, but still… Kate was devastated."

He looks quickly at me but says nothing.

"What? You want to say something; I can tell."

"I don't get it. They were at it a couple of weeks, one month tops. Why so much drama?" he asks, clearly confused.

I sigh and rest my head on the window. "He's made a real impact on her. I sort of get it," I say, immediately thinking about Edward.

"How come?"

I look at him and arch an eyebrow.

"You mean Edward?" he asks nonchalantly.

"Yeah, Edward."

He's silent for a moment and pulls into the parking lot. This restaurant is beautiful at night with all the torches and the rich smell coming from the beach.

"I thought you two were a thing," he says out of nowhere, turning off the radio.

I quickly turn to him, a little bit alarmed. "What? Are you insane?"

"Jacob mentioned that you and Edward had coffee the other day, so I thought…"

"After everything that happened, you immediately thought that just because I had coffee with him that we were a thing?" I ask, getting extremely angry. "We had coffee because I had no choice, Emmett. It wasn't exactly a date."

"Okay, I got it," he replies as he turns off the ignition. "Let's go eat," he says, getting out of the car.

I sigh and get out too, even if my appetite is gone.

"Look," I start, turning to him, "You know me, right? Just because I'm talking to him to see if I can move on doesn't mean that I want to date him."

"Then what do you want? You don't see me talking to Rosalie or even tracking her down," he says, staring at me blankly.

"You wouldn't want to do that," I warn him quietly.

"Why not? Do you know something I don't?"

"She's a mom now. She's a single mother with two kids, and she works at some bar. That's all I know."

He scoffs, looking at me incredulously. "That's all you know? You know more than I do, that's for sure."

What a nice way to start the evening.

"You know what I think?" he says, his voice lower. "You still have feelings for him, and this date you had with him isn't going to be the only one."

I sigh, muttering under my breath, "Whatever."

"I'm going inside. My girlfriend is waiting for me."

***.-.*.-.***

Twenty minutes later, I enter the restaurant. I'm getting ready to tell Angela that I'm feeling indisposed, when she hugs me and practically forces me to sit down.

Emmett is forcing a smile of his own, and I see everyone is already drinking something. I greet them and notice that Jacob hasn't arrived yet. Serena, a redheaded girl from UW who doesn't seem to like me very much, makes small talk with me.

"Do you know what you're majoring in yet?" she asks, pursing her very red lips at me.

"I'm thinking journalism, but I'm still undecided."

I see Emmett looking at the door, and I immediately follow his gaze. I gasp and my heartbeat accelerates, making me look down. The newcomers both take their time to get to our table, and it seems like an eternity.

"Hey, everyone," I hear Jacob say. "Sorry we're late."


	37. February 24th, 2012 part II

**Big thanks to my betas.  
><strong>

**February 24th, 2012 – Part II**

I really, really wish I could get out of here right now.

"Angela, would you order something for me?" I ask, sending her a pleading look. Next to her, Emmett is staring daggers at me.

"What do you want?"

"What are you going to have?" I smile softly at her, noticing that everyone is now staring at me.

"The mushroom lasagna," she says, unaware of the tension. "I'll order for you, too."

I smile. "Thank you."

I grab my purse and pass by Edward, who is now fixated on me. I glance at the door and then at him, and he nods slightly. I make my way to the ladies' room and look at myself in the mirror. It's hard to understand how I can still react like this to this whole… situation. I'm so changed that I don't even look like my old teenage self. Not when it comes to looks, and certainly not when it comes to my wants and dreams.

Edward is not in my plans. He's simply not. But after our "conversation" the other day… Emmett made it sound like it was a date, but it wasn't. I lashed out on Edward, I criticized him… there was even one moment when I wanted to slap him for shutting down when I begged for an explanation. And yet, he seemed sorry. It seemed like he wanted something from me. And now he's here, and Jacob didn't tell anyone he was coming. It was on purpose, I can tell.

I've spent too much time in the bathroom by now, and I quickly wash my hands and head out of the restaurant discreetly, regretting immediately not bringing my jacket outside. It's cold as fuck.

He's standing by the corner, looking at the ground. It makes me feel guilty, and I don't like it.

"What are you doing here?" I start, my voice cracking in the middle of the sentence.

He's startled and turns to me. What I see in his eyes terrifies me. They are so intense, so bright, so… everything. I take one step back compulsively.

"I know I shouldn't have come. But I wanted to…" he says, smiling sheepishly. "After the conversation we had the other day, I thought we were okay. I don't know what I was thinking," he chuckles dryly, getting something out of his pocket.

"You smoke?" I ask, staring at the lighter in his hand.

He laughs. "A fucking disgusting habit."

How did I not notice this?

"Since when?" I ask, getting closer to him.

He lights the cigarette up, bringing it to his mouth. "A year or two ago," he explains. "I'm not very good at it."

I laugh, accidently looking at his lips. "Is anybody?"

"My sister. She's great at it."

Alice. I haven't thought about her in a while.

"Well, with her job and everything…" I suggest, remembering what he told me the other day. She works at a fashion magazine in Paris. Only Alice could achieve that.

"Still."

I look at the ground, watching our feet move. I have no idea what to say.

"I'm sorry I came, but I wanted to see you," Edward apologizes.

"What? Why?" I ask, looking strangely at him.

He chuckles, looking at the ground again. "I've been thinking a lot about our conversation… and you. Hell, I think about you the whole day, from the minute I wake up until the minute I'm falling asleep," he declares. "I just really, really want you in my life. You have no idea."

I take a deep breath, and I realize I'm trembling. I was definitely not expecting this.

"God, don't do this to me," I say, finally looking at him. "My opinion of you is not the best, you know? Sometimes it's hard for me to look at you. Do you have any idea?"

He sighs, throwing the cigarette on the pavement and smashing it with his foot. "Still, I'm trying. And I will try."

I laugh, thinking about this whole scenario. I think I'm going insane.

"What are you doing to me? Seriously," I laugh again, needing to support myself on the wall, "You make me feel like a little girl."

He touches my arm and I look at him. He's so close to me. I like it. I hate it. I don't know what I'm feeling.

"And you have no idea how you make me feel. I felt like such a dick after what I did to you… And then I saw you for the first time in two years, and you were beautiful, funny, smart… I even wondered if you were single, and when I realized you probably weren't, I was ready to track down the asshole. You –" he sighs, smiling bitterly. "_You_ have no idea."

I gasp for air. I feel completely irrational and pathetic, because I'm being ruled by my emotions and I hate it. I should be telling him he's an asshole, that he deserves nothing, and that he ruined my life. Instead, I'm kissing him like the world is going to end. I'm grabbing his hair and moaning into his mouth, begging him to make this feeling inside of me stop.

* * *

><p><strong>Before you decide to kill me, they aren't going to jump into a relationship. There are still going to be a few ups and downs. Thank you for reading. <strong>


	38. March 1st, 2012

**March 1st, 2012**

_Dad called us last week to say he had some sad news. We thought it was cancer. Turns out, Sue is divorcing him. _

_He has to have known we weren't shocked or even concerned. He cheated on her, and she's divorcing him. I'm surprised she hasn't said anything sooner, given her reaction when she found out. But Dad was incredibly devastated when he told us, and that made us feel incredibly guilty. _

_We haven't talked to Sue, and we don't really know how things are going to pan out from now on. And I'm absolutely sure they can't divorce immediately. As far as I'm concerned, they have to spend some time apart to make the divorce official. I can't see my father going through that – doing his own laundry, cooking, cleaning the house or even surviving without Sue worrying about him all the time. _

_I don't know either how things are going to be when it comes to the bond that we have created. She's like a mother to me, and she has been more caring and supportive than my real mother has ever been. How can I be losing my mother again? How can this be happening?_

_Kate seems off and aloof lately, and I'm guessing she's currently seeing someone. She comes home late at night and goes out even before I'm awake, and I have no chance to ask her how she really is. I guess she doesn't want to talk about it, then._

_I also haven't had time to think about Edward, and when he comes to mind, I quickly think of something else, and I pretend that we didn't kiss the other night and that it wasn't the greatest thing that has happened to me in a long time. But I know I can't afford to think like that, because he's Edward, and I know what he's capable of. And even though I'm starting to get my feelings in order, I know it won't be enough until I fall for him again. I'm not just saying it's a possibility. It will happen. _

_I'm going to be buried in work until that happens. That buys me some time, right?_

_**Bella**_

* * *

><p><strong>I know not much was addressed when it comes to Edward, but these two will have a talk pretty soon.<strong>


	39. April 1st, 2012

**April 1****st****, 2012**

I'm not known for being the most organized and responsible person on the planet, but I've had it with these books lying around.

"Kate, move this. I can't do anything with all these… papers on the floor," I yell, organizing my bag.

Kate walks to me calmly, with a mug in her hand, rolling her eyes. "How else do you want me to study?"

I shake my head, not knowing what else to say.

"Look," she says, looking down at the floor. "I wanted to talk to you."

I look at her, frowning. "Okay. What's wrong?"

"It's just… I know you'll be mad, so let's just get this over with, okay?" she asks, looking at me with a guilty expression.

"Just tell me, Kate. I'm already late."

"I've been seeing Jake," she blurts out, her eyes widening, waiting for my reaction.

Sigh. How dumb does she think I am?

"I know, Kate. I'm not obtuse," I say, looking at her. "In fact, I think everyone knows."

She looks down and sits on the couch, her mug now on the coffee table. She glances at me again, and I feel the need to break this awkward silence.

"I understand why you wouldn't tell me, especially after what he did to you, but I've always been honest with you, Kate. I mean, I'd probably judge you just a little bit, but –"

She chuckles dryly, looking at me with shock in her eyes. "You've been honest with me? For God's sake, I met your ex-boyfriend the other day."

"What, Caleb? He was really just a fling," I reply.

"What, who's Caleb?" she asks, confused.

"What are you talking about?" I ask. "If you haven't met Caleb, who did you meet?"

She lies down on the couch, looking at me weirdly. "He's a ginger. Hot as fuck, but kind of skinny, if you ask me…"

"He's not my boyfriend," I reply, feeling my face getting red. "He's Edward and he's definitely not my boyfriend." I chuckle nervously, without really wanting to get into details.

Kate shakes her head and snorts, standing up. "There you go, then. You wanted honesty, but you can't bring yourself to tell me that you actually like him."

I'm angry. I'm really, really angry. Not at Kate, mind you, but how he keeps creeping up in every single thing in my life. How is that fair?

I sigh, sitting down beside Kate, letting my bag fall on the floor.

"Do you have any idea of the shit he's done to me, Kate? Or how he keeps manipulating me and my feelings for him? And now he's this guy who miraculously changed overnight and needs my forgiveness. How am I supposed to cope with that?" I ask, traitorous tears welling up in my eyes. "And he kissed me. He freaking kissed me like it was no big deal. And he told me he wants me? Who the fuck does he think he is?"

I feel like I'm going to explode. I'm tired of feeling like this, of feeling desperate when I face him and disappointed when I don't see him. I feel so shitty all the time.

Kate looks at me like she doesn't know what to do. Her eyes are saying "back down, back down, she's fucking nuts", and I almost feel like laughing.

*+*-.-*+*

Higgins is already showing the material we need for the exam. I knew I was late, but I didn't think I was this late.

He arches an eyebrow at my sudden entrance and I keep my head down, remembering what post-graduates had to say about him and his "fierce" personality. They were just being too nice. I know, now, that he's an asshole. An asshole that took a great dislike to my writing. That's never a good thing.

Maggie, a very bright girl who I usually find in most classes, is sitting next to a vacant seat. I join her and smile at her, earning another glare from Higgins.

By the end of the class, I realize that I'll have to talk to him today, which makes me slightly uneasy. But I go over to him anyway, knowing I'll probably be lectured by my tardiness and the question I'm about to make.

"Excuse me, professor?" I say in my most sweet voice.

"Yes?" He asks, not even looking at me. "What is it?"

"I was just wondering when this essay we have to write has to be presented."

He looks at me as if I already know the answer. I don't, so I stare at him a little bit more.

"On the 6th. And it won't be presented. It will have to be e-mailed to me."

"Alright," I say. "Thank you."

"And Ms. Swan?"

"Yes?" I turn around.

"Don't ever be late to my class again. I will personally escort you out."

*+*-.-*+*

_I'm starving. Want to go to lunch?_

_Sure. Let me just finish something and I'll meet you at Denny's._

And so I wait. I wait for so long that I eventually have to order something to eat. But I shouldn't be surprised. Emmett has a certain tendency to do this to me, so it's all good.

The lasagna I ordered is put in front of me, and I suddenly remember my mother. I don't always think of her, but when I do, I feel dizzy. This time, surprisingly, there's a happy memory of me eating her lasagna excitedly and remembering it was probably the best in the world. But it wasn't. The best lasagna I've ever had was made by Sue for my eighteenth birthday, and it was only later that I found out that the lasagna my mother had made me when I was… five?... was frozen, the ones you buy at a supermarket.

This lasagna, however, is anything but satisfying, because this is only a small café that insists on making meals. They should be aware by now that only skinny and rich people dine here.

I'm so lost in my own thoughts that I miss someone sitting in front of me. I'm ready to say "hey, jackass," when I realize that Edward is the one sitting in front of me.

I'm startled, of course. "What are you doing here?"

"I just wanted to talk to you. And I couldn't stand, so…" he replies, looking down at his lap.

I catch a glimpse of white under the table and then realize that he just recently broke his leg. "What happened?" I ask, my eyes glued to the cast.

"Playing soccer with my cousins. It gets kind of rough," he laughs, looking down.

He's adorable, of course, but I can't think like that.

"I imagine," I say, looking out of the window. It started raining. How appropriate. My life should be a movie.

"Have you been avoiding me?" he asks, his eyes cutting through me. "Because I never see you around anymore, and when I ask Emmett where you are, he never knows."

I smile sheepishly. "That's the point of it. I didn't want him to tell you anything."

He laughs, making my heart feel warm. "So you _are_ avoiding me. Why?"

I look at my fingers, shaking my head. "You know why. I can't trust myself around you, and you know that."

"I thought it was the other way around."

Ah, he's always been so good with words.

"You're so full of it," I say, half-kidding.

"I know that you still don't trust me, but you've got to know that I'm telling the truth. You drive me insane."

"Jeez, thanks a lot."

"Not like that," he says, chuckling. "You've got this effect on me, and I can't ignore it anymore."

I'm quiet, stewing on my own thoughts. But I can't look at the rain; it's making me too depressed. And I don't want to give him too much power, either.

"Why couldn't you feel like that in high school?" I hear myself say.

"Because I'm an ass," he says, looking disgusted.

"You were an ass," I correct him, earning a smile. "You're not anymore. I think."

"I just… Can I say something?" he asks and I nod. "I'm not excusing myself for what I did, but I did what I did because you thought of me as some sort of god."

"What? That's not true," I say, feeling embarrassed. "You were normal to me, Edward. Cute, but pretty normal."

"You vibrated when I was around, Bella. You thought that whatever came out of my mouth was pure gold," he says, grabbing my hand.

"So because of that, you could have cared less for me. But since Rosalie didn't care, at all, you were always pinning for her. I already knew men were irrational, but this feels like a joke to me," I say, not buying what he was saying, but knowing, deep down, that there was some truth to it. His hand grabs mine harder.

"I was a kid. That was the way I saw things. And I'm sorry for that," he declares, looking at both of our hands. "And the point I'm trying to make here is that I made a huge mistake, I criticize myself everyday for it and that I'm trying to get to know you, because I'm pretty sure that I'll fucking love you if you give me the chance."

I laugh, hiding the stupid little tears in my eyes. "You know, Kate, my roommate, warned me about this."

He looks confused. "About what?"

"About falling for college guys. They think they're so suave."

He laughs.

* * *

><p>If you find any mistakes, forgive me; this was not beta'd.<p>

Another one and we're done! Thanks for reading.


	40. April 12th, 2012

**April 12th, 2012**

_I still remember meeting Edward, back when I was a sophomore. He was the handsome, fearless boy who everyone wanted to be associated with. Girls flocked themselves to him whenever they had the chance, and guys wanted to hang out with him, just because they knew how awesome he was._

_I think I see more clearly who he is now, and I'm glad. While his impeccable looks and charm make me nervous, I can still rely on his flaws and imperfections to make sense of what I'm doing – of what we're doing. _

_We're going on a date in a few hours, and I just realized now that we've never been on a date before. Even if we've been through so many things, we've never been on a date, held hands in public and got to know each other's favorite colors and movies. I don't even know if he likes rap, or if he's just one of those guys who like every kind of music. That's just plain weird. It's like saying you don't have a favorite band. _

_Emmett has been kind of silent about this whole thing. I don't know what to think, but if I were in his position, I'd be worried, too. What if instead of me going on a date with Edward, it was him going on a date with Rosalie? I can't wrap my brain around that. Although I heard she was in California, in some kind of state college. I imagine her hanging out with more blonde people and even having a one-night stand with a famous actor. _

_Dad's better now. He's going to fight for Sue and for their relationship. But for the first time, I don't think he has a plan to follow through, and we're still trying to see if it's a good thing or not. I hope it is, and that he eventually finds what he's looking for. Even if it doesn't involve Sue, my borrowed mother, I just want him to be happy. That's all I want. _

_Speaking of happiness, it seems as if Kate has found hers with someone other than Jake, and the lucky guy's name is Garrett. I can say with certainty that he's crazier than her, but their feelings for each other are mutual. Jake broke up with her and is now dating a girl named Rachel. I don't know much about her, and he doesn't share either. One of these days I'll have to stop by and force him to talk to me. _

_And finally, the news I wanted to share. Alice is very much in love and engaged to someone named François (I assume he's French), and she has finally replied to my e-mail, telling me how much we need to catch up. It still feels to me like she hasn't changed – rather adjusted – her fierce and contagious personality, which is wonderful. It really is. If someone was ever destined for great things, that someone would certainly be Alice Cullen._

_And I am, too. And while I might not know right now what I'm destined for, I know I'll have the right people by my side, and that's all that matters to me right now.  
><em>

_Bella_

* * *

><p><strong>So... any thoughts? It's been pretty great to be able to write this and to have people actually read it. I will thank my betas again - Lisa and Rags - for being so wonderful and patient with me. I will also thank the readers who were rooting for Bella and for Edward, and those who judged him immensely. Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.<strong>_  
><em>


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